Kerala

We left Ooty at 9.30am bound for Cochin (new name Kochi) in Kerala around 300km to the south. This is a journey that would take around three hours in the UK, however in India it takes precisely FOREVER.

The first part of the journey entails an hour or so of driving down switchback roads with no side barriers and a multitude of obstacles such as monkeys, rocks, pilgrims and huge big buses coming the other way. One devotee (who it seems isn’t spending enough time talking with his god) was innocently making his way down the hill when he was knocked over by the large truck in front of us. Neither party seemed happy.

We felt comfortable enough to breath once more once we reached Coimbatore. This town marks the end of the descent and the border between Tamil Nadu and Kerala. The pain for us was not over as now our driver (who doesn’t speak or read English, the local lingo or maps) gets exceptionally nervous about missing the Keralan border and accompanying toll booth. As a result he made us honorary navigators. I’m not sure how many times he asked “Kerala?” and we replied “no, Tamil Nadu”, but by we were exceptionally relieved to see the sign announcing that we finally were entering ‘Gods’ Own Country’.

However, the fun did not end there – a combination of “Einstein’s” (our quickly coined nickname for Hussain our driver) lack of literacy and India’s strange road signing (consistency is not considered vital here with the Cochin Road signposted variously as Cochin, Kochi, Fort Kochi, Ernauklam or not at all) meant that we had to confirm the direction of travel at every green sign post.

We reached Fort Kochi 9 hours later at 6.30pm. We were exhausted and happy to find that our accommodation was clean and our hosts very hospitable. We had the obligatory 60 minutes of discussion with the driver as to what the costs should be, but eventually we came to an agreement. We grabbed a bite to eat and then went to bed, excited about exploring our new home.

Jewtown

Next morning, Firoz (the owner of our guesthouse) gave us a quick briefing of the local sights and we wandered into town. We stated off in Jewtown which was once home to a large Jewish population, now much diminished after the establishment of Israel. As the Jews moved out, the traders (and their touts) moved in- the place is flooded with antique stores, souvenir shops and overpriced waterfront cafes. Its all very pleasant, but a little bit too sanitised for our taste.

We wandered on from Jewtown towards Fort Kochi past a multitude of old warehouses and workshops all of which will likely be worth lots of money given their proximity to the picturesque seafront. Fort Kochi is a bustling  little place with tourists from all over India and the world.  We sat by the Chinese Fishing Nets watching the birds float past sitting on little islands of pollution.

Chinese Fishing Nets

After a couple of days in Kochi we headed off to the backwaters for which Kerala is famous. We had booked a palace (The Green Palace Resort to be exact) and first impressions were great as we were met at the dock by our boatman.

Blissfully unaware of the hotel to come!

However we should have paid more attention to the strong smell of liquor coming off the boatman’s breath rather than the beautiful surroundings as this place turned out to be awful. First it poured down with rain (not the hotel’s fault) resulting in leaks all over the room (the hotels fault). Then we spotted the bugs all over the sheets and carcasses all over the room – heaven. Finally the bathroom stank like a sewer and had a door made of cardboard. We could not move that night so we forced them to erect a (very dirty) mosquito net and conducted a romantic torch lit insect vigil until morning.

The view from room number one

We moved rooms the next day only to be immediately confronted by more bugs in the bed, a disgusting bathroom (where the water from the cistern flushed out onto the floor) and a mouse. Yes another, bloody mouse! Luckily (or unluckily for the mouse) we trapped him under a cupboard using a large standing fan. We called the hotel owner who initially categorically denied that there was a mouse in the room until I showed him a little tail sticking out from under the cupboard. This deeply Christian man (he lectured another guest on the bible) then took a boat oar and bludgeoned poor Micky to death. The Keralan Mouse Murderer then left with a smile on his face and not a hint of an apology – we decided it was time to depart.

Urrgh

Note the fan holding back the ferocious mouse!

We spent the next two days back in Kochi with Firoz. His place was a world apart with good a/c and a fantastic bathroom. Kochi is also really nice with a relaxed, cosmopolitan feel and some great Southern Indian Food. We took time to enjoy the specialities of the south:

We had an authentic Ayuverdic massage – performed on a very hard wooden table by two masseurs who have been expertly trained in pouring copious amounts of oil and hurting every muscle in your body. This is followed by a sit in the steam bath – one of those box type things where only your head sticks out. Painful, intimidating (look up ‘lungi’) experience, but makes you feel great afterwards.

Trapped in a steam box

 We ate the New Anadan Bhaven which is a very ‘local’ restaurant complete with large flying cockroaches who decided to entertain themselves chasing Monali out the front door. I had no idea she could move so fast (or scream so loud). However the food was that great we returned the next day for lunch whereupon the owner’s completely spoiled us by continually bringing us different types of food to try and only charging about £1.50 for the privilege.

75 INR of food